


Dear, Whomever it May Concern

by uncle_keery



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Bullying, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Secret Crush, Slow Burn, Steve has a hard time, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2019-11-12 12:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 19,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18010712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncle_keery/pseuds/uncle_keery
Summary: Steve starts a journal.





	1. November 23, 1984

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Perks of Being a Wallflower.  
> I’m keeping these entries rough to make them feel like legit journal entries.
> 
> \- are used to represent jumps in time

Dear ?,

I started therapy. I would feel fine about it if I wasn’t the only one besides Will who had to. Dr. Owen said it would be a good idea to start journaling so I could get out my emotions or whatever in between sessions. I honestly don’t see how it’s going to help or how long i’m going to do it for since Dr.Owen is going away. He’s the only doctor who knows and who we can talk about to upside down to and after him I don’t know if I could go to a regular therapist without them thinking i’m absolutely nuts. 

At first I thought talking to someone would make it worse, well, it did at first. Since the lab was destroyed he had to come to my house for the sessions. It was weird at first and I didn’t want him to ask why my parents were never around. Thankfully he hasn’t. I don’t know how I would explain that. But after a three weeks of two sessions a week and some whatever pills he put me on to help sleep I’ve, been doing better, well overall I guess? The nightmares or night terrors Dr. Owen calls them. You know what, i’m going to call Dr. Owen, O because I don’t feel like writing his name out every time, okay anyway. The ‘night terrors’ still happen. Almost every night. At least I can fall asleep earlier in the night but, I can’t escape. 

O also says that I should branch off and find new friends. I haven’t talked to anyone past that week. We had a big get together but after the events, but after that the only person I’ve talked to is O. That might be sad but I don’t think I mind? Nancy and Jonathan are together. It hurts but she didn’t love me, she can’t control that. It’s fine, it’s whatever. Well no I guess it’s not exactly fine but it’s better than still being with her and her still not loving me. I wonder when she stopped loving me. Or if she even did at all. And I can’t crawl back to Tommy and Carol, they don’t want me, they’ve made it pretty clear. O also says that I should get out of the house more because being at home and then school he says gets drowned out into a cycle, I need to mix it up, enjoy things. If enjoying things is sitting on top of the Quarry smoking whatever I can find is what he meant then i’m doing a great job. 

I quit basketball. O said that wasn’t a good choice but I hated it. I’ll try to do baseball in the spring or whatever but my bruises still haven’t healed all the way and I seriously just want to relax. I don’t know if O wants me to show him these letters or journal entries or whatever to him but if he does then Hi O. 

I don’t know what i’m doing. Now or for my future. I’m supposed to graduate this year but my counselors are concerned with my grades. O said he could pull some strings and help but he said it’s important that I put more effort into school. I might even need to get a study buddy, maybe then I could make a friend.

Sincerely, Steve.

(I like the ring of that)


	2. November 30, 1984

Dear ?,

O is gone. He made sure to ask about me starting this journal but he didn’t ask to see. I was relieved then but I didn’t ask if I could send him letters where ever he moved. I mean he probably wouldn’t have appreciated having the bitching of some teen show up as a letter weekly but I actually think i’m going to miss him. I mean I don’t really know much about him… but to be sad to say it is that he was my only company.

I’ve been trying to keep my head up about everything. School. Whatever might intrigue me but nothing really works exactly. I feel like i’m drifting again. I need to try and mix it up, I could go watch a movie or something tomorrow. I might check up on that Chad kid and see if he still sells pot. I mean I don’t think it would be good anyway but weed is weed I guess. Even shit weed.

I was going to the quarry every night for the past week. I don’t know if it’s the solitude or if it’s the urge of sitting on the edge. I know I probably shouldn’t talk like that but it’s thrilling, maybe the only time I get to feel that again. But billy came to the quarry too. He parked over to the side as if he didn’t see me and smoked on top of his hood. I didn’t say a word.

I think Nancy knows O is gone. Wait no definitely. Because will, anyway. She’s been showing up more, in my life I mean. Like she tried to talk to me by sitting next to me outside the other day. Just asking what’s new and such but it felt like all she wanted to know was if I was fine. No. I’m not. I thought I was over whatever i’m feeling towards Nancy by now, it’s mostly just anger and frustration. It might be mixed with the fact she’s the reason the lab had to move, why O had to move. But I know it’s not like that but, when i’m around her I just feel.. like I have a short temper and i’m going to explode at any moment.

Oh fuck, it’s 6. I should be getting ready for school. Oh yeah since O left and since i’m not going to go to a regular therapist my prescription is going to go out soon so i’m going to space it out and take it when I really need it. I don’t think I’ll need that much energy for a Friday.

Anyways,

Sincerely, Steve.


	3. December 1, 1984

Dear …?,

Should I put dear introducing my entries? I always thought journals/diaries had to have some introduction but I might be wrong. I want to have someone I can direct this to, someone I can talk to about the upside down. About anything. But I guess not all of us are that lucky.

The only person in the whole school, maybe even in the whole town that even recognizes I exist is billy. Billy Hargrove of all people. 

He never says anything though. He just stares? I’ve caught him staring at me during math a couple of times. I always expect him to change his expression to something angry or intimidating? But it stays on a sympathetic or sorry look? I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s been a month since he beat the shit out of me. I don’t know how to feel about it. How to feel about him. But, doesn’t seem so fucking angry all the time anymore.

Sincerely, Steve


	4. December 2, 1984

Dear,

I want hobbies. Or maybe just one. O mentioned how I should branch off and find sources of enjoyment or outlet before he left. I don’t know what I could do. I’m not really sure I would want to pick up my mom’s old knitting but at this point why the hell not?

I could try to draw? Play guitar?? I have an old piano I could dust off. Maybe I should get back into basketball, I could play at the middle school outdoor hoops. Maybe I should focus my free time on perfecting my technique with rolling joints, yeah, that’s way more useful.

It’s boring here. In my house, in this town. It doesn’t feel like anything here really connects with me, it makes me feel like I don’t belong here. In the town or on this earth I am not really sure. O knocked out my grades so I pass all of my classes this term. They aren’t all pretty but i’m set until after winter break until I need to start worrying too much about getting my head back into school. I’m not really sure how he did it but I think you can do pretty much anything being affiliated with the government. My dad has never trusted the government, maybe that’s why he has offshore accounts, that or maybe he is just a crook.

There was a party last night I could have gone to. If i’m being honest I probably would have gotten totally black out wasted in front of everyone. I’d like to think I at least have some dignity left. So I’ll just stay away. It’s not like anyone expected me to be there, or even missed me.

Nancy didn’t try to bother me yesterday. I’m glad.

Even though I didn’t go to the party I still drank last night. I haven’t drank by myself before? It helped though. I got to sleep.

I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want. Yet my brain is completely blank. 

Sincerely, Steve.


	5. December 6, 1984

Dear x,

I’m not exactly sure how much I should share here. How secure it this is. I don’t want someone to read this and find out about the upside down or read my personal shit. I’ll just keep this book at home, it’s not like anyone will be here to find it. But again, I don’t know how much to share. I don’t know if i’m quite yet comfortable sharing everything im thinking, maybe I just don’t know how to express my thoughts. Maybe i’m embarrassed? Am I seriously that self conscious that i’m afraid of the pages in my book’s imaginary judgment ? I need to just let go.

I feel like i’m uptight, about everything. There’s nothing going on in my life but I am always tense, even too fast of movement makes me jump. I have felt my heart in my throat a lot lately, it hurts. It almost feels like it never goes away?

-

I just came back home from the quarry, I don’t know what time I left or how how long I spent there but it’s now currently 3:47 am. On a Thursday.

And I just shared a joint with Billy.

He pulled up to the quarry again but he must have smelt what I was smoking and asked for a hit. We passed it back and forth while sitting near the edge. I didn’t say a word. He left before I did. 

I feel calm.  
 ~~It’s the pot, definitely the pot.~~

Sincerely, Steve.


	6. December 13, 1984

Dear whoever,

I don’t really want to keep this. I don’t think it’s helping or working. Everything in my life is somehow going to shit, as if it wasn’t already. 

My prescription ran out. I’ve drank too much of my parents stash for them to not notice. I haven’t been to school in 3 days, even if that matters anymore. I haven’t talked to anyone, not even a hello in a week. And I haven’t been able to sleep much, if at all.

Is it sad that the last person I hung out with was Billy Hargrove? 

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t think it’s going to get better, at all. I don’t see how a stupid journal is going to help. O said it would but I don’t feel like willing to try and just watch it blow up in my face and not workout. I’ve had too many of my dreams and hopes crushed, so why not eliminate any chances of another heart break?

God I sound pathetic.

I wanted to see if I could get a date to the winter formal but there’s no point anymore, it’s not like i’m going to go, or if someone would even say yes.

I should probably go to school tomorrow, well technically today. Just to get out of this fucking house. We are going to get those sheets to fill out what classes we want for next term soon and I should probably do that. I wonder if I could be able to get a couple of free periods, I doubt it but hey it’s worth a shot I guess.

I don’t know when the next time I’ll write in this, or if I even will at all.

Sincerely, Steve.


	7. December 14, 1984

Dear …,

There’s a rumor going around school saying that Chad is gay. I don’t know what happened exactly but I'm too afraid to ask him.

It makes me feel bad seeing him get teased, it reminds me of the way I acted to Jonathan.

I’m sorry Jonathan. 

~~I should tell him that myself~~

Sincerely, Steve.


	8. December 21, 1984

Dear the ghost in my closet (if you’re listening),

A lot has happened over the past week.

After my last entry, Nancy called me. She invited me to a group dinner at the Byers. Apparently, everyone decided that every Friday they should all get together and have dinner, i don’t know how long they have been doing it but I didn’t want to ask. I was hurt knowing that they probably have been having these dinners without the thought of me but it was nice to feel included in something for once even though I don’t know if I really belonged. 

It was fun. Everyone was happy, making joking and just overall having a great time. It was nice having that type of energy around me, it was nice to even have people around me. Joyce even invited me over for next week.

The kids have been good. Dustin talked to me a lot actually, it was nice. He’s a cool kid, he’s a nerd but he’s funny as shit. He asked me to drive him to the snowball and i accepted, i don't see how his mom couldn’t but it’s not like I'm doing anything anyways. 

There was an awkward amount of time between dropping him off and picking him up so I just went to the quarry. I smoked with Billy again. This time we actually talked. 

It started off as uncomfortable small talk about life and hobbies and shit, it was hard to answer with ‘nothing’ (which is the truth) without sounding cold or distant. I don’t know why i cared if i was being cold towards him, I mean it's what he deserves. Anyway, he talked about how the basketball team was still shit and how he draws. He showed me his drawings, it was just a portable little sketch pad. I was blown away. There were palm trees, surfboards, waves, and faces. He liked to draw hands and eyes the most from what i saw, i saw some sketches of Tommy, Carol, and Chad. I was surprised to see Chad in his book but i suppose Billy got his weed from him too. (Chad doesn’t sell anymore, after the whole rumor deal though) To see what he calls ‘little sketches’ I wonder what is a full finished piece of his looks like. I wish I could draw that well, I wish I had a hobby that i enjoyed and was actually good at.

After that Billy apologized to me. He seemed really stiff and hardly could look at me. It was interesting. I accepted it. I don’t fully know exactly why? I feel like he showed me something of himself that was vulnerable in a way to show that he is sorry? I don’t know. I don’t think i can ever even start to understand what’s going on in that head of his. 

But I accepted it. It felt genuine. We didn’t get to talk much after that since it was time for me to pick up Dustin. 

After Chad stopped selling, I haven’t seen him in the halls. I think I might be a little worried for him but he's probably just falling back and trying to blend in. I would do that if something like that happened to me. ~~It won't happen to me though, just hypothetical.~~

I also haven’t seen Billy at the quarry since the 15th. It’s not like I'm looking for him it’s just, it’s, how much I hate to admit this, it’s nice to not be alone there. I feel 10x more lonely and scared there without him. Not like Billy makes me feel safe, it’s just that if I'm alone there at the edge of the woods then who would know if something happened? If a demogorgon jumps out and kills me? Would anyone even notice? 

What if Nancy and Joyce inviting me to the dinners is just pity? What if they just feel sorry for me? That's fucking embarrassing. Does everyone know that? Are they just paying attention to me now, not because they like me or want my company but just to make sure if I disappear then I would lessen their own conscious? I really got my hopes up again, why did I do that? Seriously, it’s not like they care for me. I was planning on going to the dinner at 5 but I’m just going to call with some bullshit excuse, I’ll just say I have food poisoning or some shit. Fuck. 

Sincerely, Steve.


	9. December 22, 1984

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!! WARNING !!! - Suicide attempt.  
> This chapter has a non-graphic suicide attempt and a lot of triggering language. If you're sensitive to those things I advise you to not read this chapter.

Dear Billy,

I don’t understand you. I don’t know why you cared. 

I was going to jump, god I sound like a fucking pussy, but I was. I was leaning forward when Billy grabbed me and pulled me back. 

I couldn’t look at him. 

We sat against my car. He didn’t ask. We sat in silence for a moment but then he pulled out a cigarette and passed it with me then he just started to talk. He honestly talked about everything. Everything he talked about was happy and sad at the same time? He didn’t sugar coat anything but yet there was still a light quality to it. He talked about California and how it “was the best time of my life” but at the same time talked about how it was like when his mother grew distant and how it felt when she left him with Neil. At the beginning when Max moved in was hard but he said they actually got along, they would skate down their street and he would teach her how to surf. He opened up about how he felt when he first moved here, how he feels about it now. He feels like he is trapped, he's trapped by the trees, trapped by Neil. I didn’t ask about his dad but how he talked about him I knew it was a sensitive topic. To think about it I don’t think I said a single word. Maybe he needed to just talk as much as I needed that distraction. 

I didn’t notice that I was shaking until I passed back the cigarette, I didn’t notice I was crying until Billy cupped my face to brush away a tear on my cheek with his right thumb. 

His hand lingered. My stare lingered.

I don’t know what to think about that. What he was thinking? Was he thinking that he finally has someone he can talk to? Was I realizing that I finally have someone who might actually care? 

His glazed flickered to my lips and then he pulled away to light another cigarette. 

I’m not stupid. I know what that means. I just don’t know how I feel about it myself. 

I couldn’t speak from the get go but after that, I could just feel the knot in my throat. I don’t think I could have screamed even if I wanted to. 

He drove me home. I looked around the quarry and apparently, he didn’t drive, I wonder how lucky it was for that timing of him showing up. 

I didn’t stop shaking. When we were alone in the car he turned on the radio, he didn’t have it fully on but it was present, it almost felt like it was low enough where it would okay for someone to say something, neither of us did. As much as I wanted to ask ‘why’ i couldn't. I didn’t notice I wasn’t wearing a jacket until Billy gave me his.   
I don’t understand why he did that. Why did he save me? Why did he drive me home and why did he give me his jacket? Did he just pity me too? Did he just not want to see someone dive off the end to spare his own stomach or did he actually want to save... me? 

I want to know but, I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to look better to him so he will think he can just start asking questions. I don’t want to talk to him about last night. Anything but last night. 

Fuck, I'm still wearing his jacket.

I feel like a failure, even more than I did before. I couldn’t do the one thing that would end all of these thoughts in my head, all of these sleepless nights, all of these nightmares and empty bottles. Maybe I would have actually done it if Billy wasn't there. He saved my life, and for what? For me to finally live it out and fulfill my ‘potential’? To tell me that life is worth living through the rough bits because, in the end, it's so rewarding? Last time I check the ‘end’ is the same for all of us. We all die, some sooner than others. He didn’t tell me to not do it again, to try and find the brighter side of things, that was exactly what I wanted to hear so I could just blow him off. But he didn’t. He knew what to say. 

Here I am laying in bed all day just zoning out at my ceiling fan. I wasted Billy’s time and energy saving me and caring for me. Is this really the life that everyone looks up to? If I don’t see the worth in it, what makes me worth living it? 

Sincerely, Steve.


	10. December 25, 1984

Dear -,

I’ve been listening to a lot of music. I don’t have my own collection or anything but I have a radio. I have the station on I think a pop best hit radio? They are still playing Out of Touch a lot and I think that’s my favorite at the moment. That one or Time After Time.

It’s Christmas today. I haven’t gotten out of bed yet and it’s 2pm. The phone hasn’t rung so I don’t think my parents remembered, or maybe even care. I think maybe if I went to that dinner Friday they would have invited me to a dinner tonight if they are going to have one. Just, fuck. This is pathetic. I’m alone, I have this huge house to myself and any teenager would lose their shit and use this freedom but i’m doing nothing, just sulking. I don’t have anyone to spend Christmas with. And to come to think about it I don’t think anyone would want to either. 

I don’t have to go to school until the 7th and I have no idea what to do. Everything seems boring, i'm losing my goddamn mind. I don’t even know what I want anymore. If you care, I picked the classes for next term. I have to take Math 3 (I failed it last year), language arts 12, biology and art 1. They are mostly gen eds but I took art because maybe it’s the hobby that O wants me to have, also Billy kind of inspired me to try again? I could never be as good as him though. ~~not a compliment, just facts~~

Also if I stay home all break then maybe I don’t have to run into Billy. Running into him is really at the bottom of my list. The down side to that is i have to eventually because I still have his jacket. Fuck.

I really don’t want him to ask questions. Maybe i’m just being selfish.

I think i’m going to try and get up and eat at least something and watch some stupid Christmas movie. At least it’s snowing outside. I love snow.

Sincerely, Steve.


	11. January 16, 1985

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the break, the uploading for this won't be consistent but ill post another tomorrow.

Dear …,

Fuck, i haven’t written in this thing for weeks. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Will talked about O the other day and i remembered about this, i've been going back to those dinners. Things are getting better? I think? Things are still bad, days are still bad but i've had more good moments than before. More happy moments. 

I’ll try to catch you up to speed. School started back up and everything was fine i guess, i didn’t talk to billy over the break but the last period of my day i have art and billy is in that class. I thought he would be in a higher up class (cause holy fuck) but he said that it was full last term and he doesn’t want to go in the higher advanced class. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he is in all honors and the workload is already a lot but i haven’t asked him. We’ve been getting closer. We sit at the same table and we talk a lot. He’s funny as fuck, he makes me forget about the shitty day i just had. It’s a nice end to the day. It’s nice to have a friend. A friend? I mean i hope he feels the same way. I might be thinking about it too much, he probably doesn’t feel the same way.

The assignments for the past week are simple sketches of these human figures we have at our desk, they are cool. Each body part is split up into shapes so you can understand it more. Billy always finishes quickly so he either sketches other stuff or watches me. At first it was a little stressful because i thought he would judge my artist skills, or lack thereof but he has given me some advice. Like how to hold the pencil so my hand doesn't cramp or how to start drawing the shapes and where. He’s… nice?

We haven't really talked outside of the class but he says hi to me in the halls. 

I don’t so invisible anymore.

Sincerely, Steve.


	12. January 24, 1985

Dear Nancy,

Jonathan and Nancy have been talking to me a lot more. Like they go out of their way to show up at my locker and borderline herd me to sit with them at lunch. Maybe it’s because of the dinners that they think we are getting close. I mean i don’t want to sound mean or like, ungrateful or anything, i know i want friends and people to talk to but im not sure if i want those people to be them exactly. I think i just need more time. (maybe the length of time will be the rest of my senior year). I like them, dont get me wrong, its not like i hate them or wish them ill. Just, eh. I think im over nancy, yeah i’m over nancy but there still that feeling of betrayal and just hurt i still feel. Like fuck her i dont care who she dates and if we arent anymore, she said her truth and thats that. I have to get over it, and i have. Well like with romantic feelings towards her, i don’t want to prove that to them though, im over nance but i dont want to date. I’m not in the mood, its just going to end badly again. And besides, im graduating in 6 months. 

If i'm lucky i can escape them before they get to my locker, or just skip going to my locker. I sit in the parking lot now, mostly in the car while its running because fuck, its still winter and its below fucking 0 all the time. I love snow, but i dont want my limbs to fall off. 

Billy has started to join me.

Sitting in my car during lunch.

I thought it would be awkward and just shifty, but… we are getting along, like really… well? He disagrees with me on music above all else but, i don’t care much about it anyway. Instead of just bashing on mine, well he kinda does bash on it. But like in a playful way? Saying

“I’ll get you into real music, Harrington.”

He keeps calling me Harrington. As if we are in the fucking military or some shit, he calls me Steve sometimes in art when hes focused on his piece and just asks something like.

“Can you pass me the pencil sharpener, Steve?” without even a glance or recognition of changing my name, or nickname?

I dropped the pencil sharpener and it spilled all over my drawing, its wasn’t so bad.. Just added a bunch of little black dots or smudges. I still saved it, but i don't know why i even dropped it. It was like i was flustered or someshit. Like my heart like felt like someone had it in their hand and they were just squeezing it, i was anxious. I dont know why..? It was only billy that noticed, why did my palms begin to sweet?

I was thinking that my anxiety was getting worse? I normally would just be anxious and scared about thinking or talking about anything upside down related, but.. Im getting better at it? Like talking about it, those dinners at the byers are actually helping? Even if i still feel like they pity me, i might as well get something out of it too.

But im not anxious anymore, well like most of the time. I still get nightmares but i calm down faster? Well if you think 2-3 hours is faster but hey, still. Progress? I dont get anxious, or get flustered or get butterflies or have my palms sweat anymore.

Unless im with Billy.

And its scaring the fuck out of me.

It’s been almost a week, or maybe a week and a half since that pencil sharpener incident and its somehow getting worse.

Am i scared of him?? Im not scared of him at all consciously but i can’t fucking control my body.

I think im nervous because i want him to like me. I want to be his friend and i want him to stay. Maybe it just means so much to me just to have someone in my life, even if that someone is the biggest asshole in hawkins. Well, at least to everyone else. He’s being really nice to me lately. Even nicer than before when he was helping me with art in the classroom.

When we have lunch in my car we do homework sometimes, mostly art cause that's what we share. Billy once pulled out his calculus notes and i about passed out. Sometimes he takes over in a way to help show me, sometimes he draws or sketches or outlines a little too much and for a little too long, like he has taken over my drawing. I don’t mind. It is less work for me and he looks like he enjoys it. I like watching him draw, it’s like watching a master at work. He gets super focused and always sticks his tongue out just a little. ~~I find it~~

Anyways. I should start getting ready for school.

Sincerely, Steve.


	13. January 25, 1985

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -warning: homophobic language-

Dear that crusty old sock under my bed,

I asked him if he wanted to hang out.

Well.

I asked him if he could help me with this art project we are working on for class. Billy has already finished and turned his in. (obviously)

He said yes. And I said we could come over to my house.

I didn’t think it through honestly, I should have cleaned up before but he didn’t seem to mind.

And.. it was really… good? Like really really good. I got a lot done on my project, (i didn’t even start it before he came over) and I'm actually happy with what it looks like/turning into. I don’t want to rip it up into pieces and then throw it into a fire. Ok ok, that's a little dramatic. But hey it's not like I didn’t do that last time. Okay yeah I'm a little dramatic, sue me.

He was very... Positive and supportive of my ideas and process. He made it sound and feel like I was actually making something good.

I couldn’t stop smiling.

After I needed a break from drawing I asked if I could go through his sketchbook. It was a bigger and nicer one than the other one I saw at the quarry last month. He was hesitant but he said yes. I don't know why he was, I don't know how to put into words his expression. Scared? Worried? Maybe fear? I don’t know what he had to worry about. Seriously. Everything in that sketchbook belongs in a goddamn fucking museum. 

I told him that. I didn’t really think it through but I said it.

And he blushed.

I keep on thinking myself out of it like oh whatever he didn't. But he did. I don't know how to feel about it. Wait no how to think about it? I felt fucking happy. I was so happy. I was grinning ear to ear, I felt so good.

But, he blushed

And I felt really good about it, like. I don't know. Like, like I wanted him to? Like I was glad he did? I don’t know why I wanted him to blush but he looked cute.

-

I've just spent the last 20 minutes looking at what I just wrote. What did I just fucking write? I just like, came out of me. I wasn’t fully aware I was calling, billy hargrove. cute . fucking. Cute. I want to deny it. I want to say as if I don't mean it. But look. I wrote it. It was what I was thinking. 

I feel like I'm going to fucking throw up. I shouldn’t think this way. I shouldn’t write those things. Fucking forbid I fucking say it. To him.

Maybe I should stay away from billy.

I shouldn't feel this way towards him. It’s scaring me to fucking death.

I pass him a pencil or pen and our fingers brush. I can’t fucking focus for the next 5 minutes.

The way he looks at me when I'm talking. Like looks me in the eyes. I have nowhere to look besides his fucking eyes. And its distracting? I don't know if it's his eyes, fuck maybe it is. Maybe its just how i feel under his stare. Having his full attention. I've blushed under his gaze. I don't know how many fucking times. And it scares me now. Knowing exactly why I fucking blushed. I wonder if he knows. He's not fucking blind. If he knew I even called him fucking cute he’d run screaming to the nearest person that im a fag.

I'm not. I'm not gay. I can't be.

I'm not. 

If I'm not. Then why do I feel like this?

Was nancy.. Nothing?

Nancy was not nothing. She was everything. She was smart, pretty, kind and supportive. She was everything I imagined and I got it. I lost it too but thats not the point. My point is. Was I faking it. Too? 

Was I not the only one faking through the relationship? Was I so hurt because I lost my only friend? 

Did I care for her? Or did I love her? Like romantic love. Not just oh yeah I love you. I mean like. 

I. Love. You.

Yes I had to have fucking love her. It hurt me so fucking badly seeing her comfort Jonathan that night.

If I loved her. Then how can I like billy?

Fuck.

I like Billy.

I think I have a fucking crush. On Billy fucking Hargrove.

What the fuck.

I can’t like him. I won't. I’ll just get over it. I fucking have to. I have no choice.

-

I went through my journal to see what else I've said about him.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

Also yeah I'm right. I should apologize to Jonathan about calling him a queer. Well, I did apologize to him, but that was more for the fight. I mean I guess I did technically apologize? I shouldn't bring it up. He might get suspicious. But I mean. After just thinking about it. It's fucking ironic. 

I'm kind of glad now that I have this notebook Journal thing to write in. I have things to hide obviously the upside down, but like. It's helpful. And it can keep a secret. I can get it out but without having myself fully out there or anyone knowing any shit about me. Shit that could seriously fuck up everything.

I'm honestly more scared about people finding out that i'm ga- queer? I dont know. Just not straight, than I am about leaking information about the upside down. That sounds dumb, but it's true.

Holy shit. I just wonder how Chad feels. Holy shit. Is chad actually gay? I mean, I could talk to him right? We got along before the whole rumor deal, he was my drug dealer but we got along. Well. maybe. I don’t know how hyped he would be for me to just show up and be like hey im queer, so are you? Hell yeah! Lets hide in fear together. Hey chad do you know where to get gloves to wear that protect other people from catching aids?

I shouldn’t joke about that. The number of times I've heard that type of shit thrown around at school, let alone at chad is overwhelming. I just can’t imagine that being thrown at me.

Queer, fag, homo. Anything. Thrown at me. In public? And it would be true? I don't know if I could handle it. Someone might kill me before I even try to kill myself, again.  
Fuck.

Speaking of chad. I saw a lot of him in Billy’s sketchbook. Wait. what if Chad is actually gay.. That would mean that billy is okay with it right? Wait, no. no what if that's why they aren't hanging out anymore. He found out? Maybe that's why billy looked worried when he handed me his sketchbook, to see him in it. He didn’t want me thinking he was gay too? God what if he hates me. I don't think I could handle that. I should just stop talking to him before he finds out.

Oh shit wait, I asked billy if he knew where chad went. He hasn't been in school for the past couple days, or at least I haven't seen him. And billy, looked. Worried. Like really worried? They must have been closer than I thought. But he said he didn’t know and started talking about something else.

It was the first time I've seen billy’s works in color pencil. They are so realistic, i might as well be holding a mini chad in my hands.

-

I feel scared. So fucking scared. And guilty? If anyone ever find this book.. I'm never bring this outside of my house. I might as well just burn the last few pages while I'm up but, I'm going to be late for the weekly byers dinner. Fuck. I hope I calm down by then.

I really don't want someone to notice I'm upset or nervous. I don't know what I would tell them.

Anyways.

Sincerely, Steve.


	14. January 26, 1985

Dear whoever the fuck cares,

I’m an idiot. I really am.

First I think that I have a crush on Billy Hargrove, and then i blow up in front of the only people who try to talk to me.

I feel selfish. So fucking selfish. 

I have everything i have ever needed handed to me on a plate. I always had the nicest basketball and baseball gear, my parents always give me a little too much money for movies or pizza or whatever the fuck. And Nancy and Jonathan want to talk to me, they want to me my friend. I’m so selfish.

I’m so caught up in what i want what i don't have what is wrong and i never see whats right in fucking front of me. I’m a spoiled brat honestly. I never took school seriously. I still don’t. I could have gotten into fucking harvard if i even fucking tried. My parents can afford it. Why didn’t i fucking try?

I guess i just never thought i even could, or deserved it. I never proved myself worthy for any of those things.

I don't deserve all of this, i don't deserve this big house, this big empty house. I wish i could give it to some family who is living in a studio apartment or some other jackass teen who would use it to party. 

I didn’t deserve billy saving me.

I still don't. 

Did you realize that it’s been more than a month since that night? 

I still haven't given billy his jacket back.

God i thought i had a fucking crush on him? I can’t believe i actually thought that and wrote that down. It’s not true. I don’t like him. I probably just was just so fucking lonely. I haven’t had anyone in my life that wasn’t a romantic interest for over a year so i guess it makes since that the first friend i make i try to fall back into those old habits.

Everyone is different. Not everyone and everything is the same. I should know that. I guess im just glad i even have a friend. Even though its a little embarrassing that i mistook friendship with infatuation.

I ~~should~~ SHOULDN’T get a girlfriend. I thought about it. It would be so fucking nice to get into that kind of flow and hope again, hope for my future, hope for someone else's future, hope for our future. But i honestly wouldn’t be fair to the other person. I just feel so fucked up and god i just feel so sad most of the time that i feel like i would drag them down, and that's just fucked up to anyone. And selfish. I think that's what i did with Nancy. I think i might have been dealing with shit even before she broke up with me, I think it’s safe to say that im pretty good at running.

Running from fucking monsters and running from feelings.

I am running from feelings, emotions, confrontations but, writing it down feels like I'm catching up with them. Like I'm not ignoring them. It feels like i am almost organizing out what the jumble is of my brain and setting things straight. 

I wish O was back. I want to be able to say these things aloud, I feel like that would help in addition to this. But he was right. This does help. It makes me… feel less alone?? Like writing on paper and thinking to myself makes me feel less alone. It feels like you are listening to me. These pages, this pen. I don’t feel like you’re judgmental anymore, I think the only judgemental person is myself. Like my own ego and pride can’t bare to come and face what's actually happening, I say this as if I won't stop running. At least I know what I should do, or the surface of what's wrong with what I am doing. Now just takes action. 

And I think it's safe to say that I'm a fucking pussy.

Sincerely, Steve.


	15. January 27, 1985

Dear the soap that got in my eyes this morning,

I forgot to write about me blowing up in Nancy and Jonathan's face on Friday.

We were in the backyard just sitting passing a cigarette when they kept on mentioning things like.

“So, you’re friends with Billy Hargrove now?” (that wasn’t even the worst one just, how they said it ticked me off.)

“I think you need someone to talk to, we are here if you need it.”

And i just? It felt as if they were saying i'm broken or fucked up, i mean i feel like i am but it just felt demeaning to me. Like oh we will help you! Fill our ego to know that we are the heroes and help the less fortunate! Do you want a gold star for not trying to jump off a cliff today?? You resisted the urge to break and throw away everything that you own today, do you want a cookie?! We are totally fine and we can help you, aww it’s sad that you still need help, we are more grown up than you because we can handle it! 

I know that is not what they meant. But that's what i felt and that's what i thought. 

And i just went off. Saying shit like.

“Maybe i wouldn’t be so deep in my head if you guys didn’t take two seconds to think about anything other than yourselves. How maybe that lab was actually a good thing to keep around cause i don't know, maybe it helped people. Owen is gone and now will doesn't have a legit therapist to go to anymore, sure maybe he has you and joyce but have you guys ever wondered about other people who don't have that? 

Don’t fucking judge me for hanging out with Billy, he doesn’t belittle me and make me feel like some sort of project or something to fix to get off your conscious. He doesn’t pry me open like im sort of science fair experiment”

I’m pretty sure that's all that i said, i might have had said more, but i probably forgot because the heat of the moment and also i didn’t want to think about it.

I’m running. From them and from billy. How i said that i’m not going to talk to Billy again? I’m not going to run anymore.

I’m going to apologize to Nancy and Jonathan tomorrow and i’m going to give Billy his jacket back during lunch.

Sincerely, Steve.


	16. January 28, 1985

Dear that one asshole who pants me in 7th grade,

I’m scared. I’m really really fucking scared.

Not so much of Jonathan and Nancy, that will be fine. Even i didn’t apologize to them today, that was a pussy move but im more scared of Billy.

He seems so happy, he’s so nice to me and it makes me feel sick. I tried to give him his jacket back but the thought of it made me feel like i could cry. 

I don’t want to cry in front of Billy, that’s just pathetic.

-

Trying to get drunk on beer isn’t the smartest thing ive done i guess, but like if i try to get more liquor my parents will definitely know, 

Fuck, the hiccups and burps are honestly gross as fuck, like i have a hiccup and i might throw it up, god. I wish there was someone who still sold weed. Idk who does.

I wonder what Chad is up to, maybe i should talk to him. Like as a friend, well wait what if someone sees us. Eh thats not really the best idea fuck that sounds douchey but like i dont want people to get the wrong idea? Well maybe even if the idea is the right idea but hey sue me for trying to be careful. 

I wonder what it’s like to get drunk with billy, oH he could paint yeah? Oh wow i wonder what his painting look like, or would, i don’t know if he does. Holy shit what if you would draw me?? Like he did with Chad, like chad was his boyfriend right so like why not me? Wait no not boyfriend wait, what if, no billy was just his friend, it would so cool to see a drawing of myself, well wait not like OH HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME but more of like it would be cool to be drawn? I dont know like maybe have some sort of impact, well i know i have an impact but like maybe something i can see or hold? Thats kinda selfish once i think about it.

I wonder if Chad had a boyfriend. I wonder how he got found out? I mean i would like to think innocent till proven guilty but like he hasn’t tried to save his name for a second, he just lets it happen, the bullying. Holy shit wait so if Chad is actually gay, and had been caught, i mean theres no other way to have been found out unless he told someone? I wonder who the other guy is. Dude thats actually terrifiying. Like having someone that you like, wait maybe even love get caught and you have to like hide. Thats fucking heartbreaking.

I don’t remember the last time i drank, but it must have been a minute because i already feel tipsy actually like really tipsy after like 2 beers. It’s nice. It feels loose? Like the pull on my brain? Like it feels fuzy but not like how it is when im sober fuzy like, let go its fine and comforting fuzy. I wonder how Billy acts when hes drunk. I wonder if he is like some giggly baby or what if he gets angry? I don’t know i feel pretty content. Thats actually kind of nice? Wow

My head feels like its spinning, not in a bad way just in a i dont know. 

Thinking about it, like hobbies and things. I think this is my hobby. I mean it feels like it. Writing? Like it helps, its theraputic oh fuck i dont know how to spell it but its nice? But its also fun. Yeah this is my hobby. Wait thats kinda selfish too dont you think? Me writing about me and my life and what i think and what im going through is my hobby? Fuck maybe i should go to drawing or seomthing, ive been trying, its fun but it doesnt feel like it fully sticks to me? I feel like im running out of time when i try to have fun with things. Like i feel like i should be working on homework or something else other than drawing for fun, i guess it just stresses me out? I wish i was like billy.

I kinda wish beer wasn’t carbonated. I can’t even drink soda without getting into a hiccup fit. If my parents were here i feel like maybe i would have woken them up. Wow, ive written like 2 full pages by just babbling about nothing.

I wonder if anyone will ever read this. Like after im gone, or if they are snooping through my things or if they find it like in the hall or in the trash. I might burn this, i mean, maybe? Depends. I don’t want someone to find this. They wont. Beacuse i wont bring this anywhere.

Should i stop writing? No, o would like this. Like me just going on and on, maybe all those little entries was gearing me up to just go on rants or word vomit on these pages. Ha i might actually vomit on these pages eventually, or maybe even tonight.

The world is a pretty fucked up place you know that? I feel like i am very held back and nurtured like im a baby living inside my own head, like i haven’t actually experienced something. Well, no, i have, but it’s something i would like to forget. It’s not one of those things you want to go brag to the first person you see, maybe the kids would differ but i don’t want to bring that nightmare upon anyone. Once i kinda think about it, isn’t it strange? Like how that whole ecosystem is the exact opposite as us? But they still share bonds? Like the demodog dustin had, dart didn’t kill us cause dustin gave him a candy bar, like there was a connection, interdimensional connection? Thats kinda funny, but like they still can love? Something so scary to us can be loving upon their own kind oh shit, even past that too. I still hate those fucking monsters tho.

I wonder how billy would react about the upside down. I wonder what it would have been like if he was there when i was the junk yard, like us being some sort of team? I would have liked that. Having someone right by my side who i knew could protect me. 

Billy is so fucking cool, i dont know why he talks to me. I think he thinks we are friends. We are actual offical friends. Thats so fucking nice. I might cry thinking about that. I finally have someone, i might be scared to talk about everything with him but hes there.

I wonder how hes doing in his more advanced math class now, he transferred out of regular math with me and went to calc, thats wild. Nancy is in that fucking class too. Oh no, i hope nancy hasn’t tried to talk to billy too, i hope if she does then billy would tell me?

You must be pretty sad or old to enjoy the taste of beer, just get drunk why do you need to taste that almost bread? Yeah its almost bread isn’t it, beer is basically watered down moldy old bread. And it tastes like that too. I should brush my fucking teeth.

Fuck it. Ive been trying to see this whole like gay thing right? Like me liking billy, ive been thinking about it like, nonstop. I denied it you know but the more i think about it like actually there with him infront of me. It’s scary. And i think it might be true? Like the first person to give me any sort of attention i start to fall for. No, not fall hell no not THAT bad or big, but like start to like. Maybe im touched starved? Ive heard that term before, like i havent kissed or hugged or anything with someone since like halloween. And its fucking basically febuary now. Wow time is kind of going fast, not right now but like relativly? I should probably focusing more in english.

I have this typewritter, i got it last year for christmas for school you know and i think i might try doing these entires on it? Maybe i should start writing? Like not like these little things about me but like actual stories? I feel like i could write about the upside down but like spare details you know? Like take it and make a different story about it? If im a little off the truth how are they going to sue me huh? And if i do get sued then they would have to admit the shit they did right? Maybe.. Or maybe they would just kill me? Furthering my point! They would look guilty and maybe i could make money! Or get famous? I don’t know if fame is for me, im not that into myself. I don’t think im into myself at like all? Thats a good thing.

Oh yeah, the gay thing well, ive been thinking. Like i try to look at guys in that way you know? like - im going to spare details. And i don’t know if its working, so i went back to thinking about girls. and . thats… not working either…. It just keeps going back to billy, it’s like im billysexual or something haha. Jesus christ. I have a fucking crush on Billy. Okay yeah i fucking KNEW that but can i just catch my breath for a second? Jesus fucking christ. 

I never really was religious anyways.

I need to piss.

Sincerly, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> errors are intentional


	17. February 5, 1985

Dear whoever wrote fag on my locker in permanent marker,

It’s been a week since i’ve written in this.

It’s been one hell of a week. I don’t think i’ve cried in months, let alone this much.

So, i didn’t apologize to Nancy and Jonathan and i didn’t give billy’s jacket back. 

Chad is back at school, he eats lunch on a bench outside and for whatever reason i thought i could just go up and sit with him, well he let me. We had a nice conversation, he looked scared at first just relaxed once he figured out i wasn’t there to tease him. We didn’t talk about all the questions i have, overall and for him. I didn’t ask if the rumors were true, but i did see the bags under his eyes. 

Billy wasn’t at school that day, i wish he was. Then maybe i wouldn’t have sat with Chad and maybe Tommy wouldn’t have seen me sitting with him and then proceed to tell the whole school. Exactly what i was afraid of, happened. 

God i’m such an idiot.

Billy didn’t come to school the next day either. Maybe he would have defended me in the halls, maybe i would have had someone there to help me through all of the shit.

It’s the same shit chad went through last month, i didn’t even do anything. I just sat at the same table as him. It’s not as bad but i can’t walk through the halls without getting my shoulder checked, my books being hit out of my hands or getting the word fag or other variations of it thrown at me. It will go away soon, 

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. 

God, i feel so pathetic honestly. I’m doing the same thing Chad did, i didn’t deny anything. I can’t say anything. I really want to. I’ve tried. My voice, my throat won’t let me. I get choked up and freeze. Every time anything happens i just feel like crying right there, god that just makes me look more guilty.

I am guilty. 

And i didn’t even do anything.

When Billy came back to school i was so scared that he would just ignore me and tease me too, but he didn't. And i was so relieved when he sat next to me in my car during lunch i almost cried. He talked to me as if everything was normal and that everything was okay like nothing happened, or is happening. I like that distraction, most of the times. I was just really scared if he did know, i just wanted to know if he knew, i wanted to know what he was thinking. So,

I asked him if he heard the rumors. 

I couldn’t look at him, i was staring out the front window like my life depended on it.

“Yeah.”

I stopped breathing. My heart was beating so hard i felt like i was going to vomit. I somehow managed to ask

“What did you hear?”

“I heard that you’re best buddies with Chad now, everyone’s implying that you’re queer too”

“Then why are you hanging out with me still? Aren’t you afraid someone might see?”

I couldn’t control what i was saying, i think i was just so scared that he might leave me too.

“Because i know it’s not true”

I finally looked over him in the eyes and i felt exposed, like i was showing him everything that i wasn’t saying. I opened my mouth to respond, i don’t even know what i was going to say but thank god i was interpreted by the bell.

Thank god i quit the basketball team, i would have not survived the locker rooms. 

I didn’t go to school yesterday, or am i going to go today. It will blow over, the day i was with billy in the halls no one said anything, people only say shit to me when i’m alone. I’m scared to be alone and for once it’s not scared of an interdimensional monster, i’m scared of my own fucking peers. 

What do i fucking do?

I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared.

Sincerely, Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve was slowly but surely getting better, right?


	18. February 8, 1985

Dear -,

I’m still scared.

But i denied them, the rumors.

I am at every chance i get, sometimes i laugh at them because i don’t want to look serious. Someone might know. I feel kind of dumb for not denying them immediately but i was only in school for one day when it all happened. I didn’t go to school for 2 days and i really do think that helped.

My heart hurts almost all of the time now, the fear, the adrenaline, i dont know how much more it can take.

The bullying is dying down.

Since i didn’t do anything.

The focus was shifted to Chad after Billy saying

“Why don’t all of you hicks focus on the real fag over there” He pointed at Chad, I felt horrible. 

I would have to distract the focus from me to him, i know it, that's how i would survive and get out of this scott free but. I just feel awful about it. I also feel sad how Billy just threw his old friend under the bus, well to help me but still, a bittersweet? Is that the term?

(I find it strange how no one asked me what I was doing eating lunch with chad, like they just starting thinking I was queer too, well-)

But now i fully know how Billy feels about it. Maybe there's some act or front about it at least in front of Tommy and those assholes but, it’s pretty clear that they aren’t friends anymore because Chad is gay. Sometimes i think he looks sad about it but he snaps out of it fast, probably remembering why he doesn't like him anymore.

It makes me want to run, It makes me want to hide from Billy. The earlier i detach from him the better, he can’t know.

He won't.

But then he might know that somethings up.

I don't think im going to go to the byers dinner tonight, I should really apologize to Nancy and Jonathan. It’s just been so.. hectic? I wonder what they think about this whole situation? Do they care? Do they think it’s true? If so, how do they feel about it? When I talk to them next I don’t really want to bring it up. 

I find this all so embarrassing. Like I don’t know how far this goes? Like have Nancy and Jonathan talked about it at the dinners? Does everyone know? The kids, Joyce? Hopper..? Hopper seems like a great guy just im nauseous just thinking about what his reaction would be.

Everything will be okay? Like the rumor and teasing will completely fade? I mean hopefully. And I’ll get on better terms with Nancy and Jonathan, once I do something about it, but everything will work out fine. No one will find out, no one will know i’m actually queer that’s impossible. 

That’s the problem though, everything would be completely fine if I wasn’t queer. Like why did god just pick me out of the pile and say yeah that’s the one make their life strangely difficult by throwing him into a pit of monsters oh and yeah make him a fairy just for shits and giggles. 

I could easily fuck everything up. I really can’t afford to do that. Last night I said I wasn’t going to go up to chad but then I did, I can’t fuck up again. 

Im really getting through this because of billy. Like having him by my side, defending me and him just being there. He’s making this a lot easier well despite him being homophobic part…

Anyways,

Sincerely, Steve.


	19. February 11, 1985

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A scene in this chapter is completely copied from The Perks of Being a Wallflower script so uh yo don’t sue me I guess.

Dear Chad,

I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Billy but i do know that it’s over now, for good.

There were bruises of Billy’s face last week when everything was going down, i didn’t ask, i assumed they were from some fight but i didn’t hear about a fight and then i remembered about how Billy talked about his dad. I hoped it would go away, well i mean i don’t want to sound selfish and make him hide it or not talk about it, i want to but it’s just that i think he might lash out if i try. I don’t know how i would react in that type of situation, like i don’t want to drown him in pity or some shit but i don’t know what i would say. Billy always knows what to say.

But there were more bruises on his face today.

I denied the rumors today again, and billy and i and tommy and some kids from the basketball team all sat at a table. It was interesting to be in the cafeteria again? Billy said it would help me get back on the “throne”, as if I want it anymore but he’s helping me cover up, he’s smart. Like really smart. I’m glad he has my back.

Tommy tripped Chad, he fell hard on the floor slipping all of his lunch and he got up and stared at Billy.

Billy looked at him and scoffed “What?”

“Aren’t you going to do anything?” - c

“What are you talking about?” - b

“I’m talking about how your pet ape just tripped me, are you going to say something?” - c

“Why would I?” - b

“You know why.” - c

“This is pathetic, man. Your fixation on me.” - b

“Do you want your friends to know how you got those bruises? Really?” - c

(I knew Chad was hitting a soft spot, i didn’t want to jump in. i felt pretty sick watching tommy knock him down in the first place. I hated it. I wanted them to just leave him alone but i knew i had to hide with the assholes for it to not be me.)

“I got jumped in a parking lot.” - b

“Where? In Forest Hills Park? Do they know about Forest Hills? Do you guys know about Forest Hills?” - c

( i knew the rumors about Forest Hills, but those were forever ago )

And then Billy stood up and got in Chad’s face

“I don't know what kind of sick shit you're trying to pull, but you better walk away now.” - b

“Fine. Say hi to your dad for me.” - c

I swear to god i gasped, i felt so angry. I also felt so conflicted towards Chad, i felt bad for him but he was being a complete dick to Billy, well, Billy was being a dick too, but Billy is my friend.

Chad turned and left and i was so relieved it was over but

“Whatever... faggot.” - b

I felt sick, so fucking sick. I thought i was going to throw up right there honestly. My heart was beating so fucking hard and i swore everything started to slow down. To be honest everything after that was pretty fuzzy.

Chad threw the first punch.

Billy knocked him down on the ground and tried to throw punches but Chad flipped him over and did it to Billy instead.

I don’t know where everyone was, maybe they were all holding back because it was ‘Billy’s fight’ or whatever the fuck, but he was getting hit over and over by Chad. The situation felt sickly familiar.

I wasn’t thinking.

I went up and grabbed Chad off of Billy and punched him as hard as i possibly could, i think i might have aimed for the temple or eyes, i don’t remember but it knocked him the fuck down. I quickly picked up Billy off of the floor and wrapped his arm around my shoulders to keep him up right.

I don’t remember what I said to Chad when he was on the floor but I know I said something.

Instead of just standing there I semi carried billy out of the cafeteria and to the parking lot, there was no way he could just stay there. I didn’t want the school calling his dad, so we left.

I drove us to the junkyard. I don’t want to go back to the quarry, let alone with billy.

The drive there was silent besides the weak ‘thank you’ before we left, the rest of the ride i played Billy’s mixtapes. I hope it made him feel better.

I was wrong, I might have made him feel better for a moment but once we got out of the car to sit on the hood he just started to… bawl. 

Like really fucking cry, the kind where you can’t breathe it’s so hard, the kind where you just feel everything crashing down on you. 

I didn’t think but I quickly sat closer to him and rubbed his back. He leaned into my chest and hugged me, hard. As if he had to hold me to not be sucked into a black hole right behind him.

I hugged back.

I wish the situation was different but I am so glad I was there for him. 

He just cried, he cried for I don’t know how long but I had time. I would have made more time if I had to. I whispered ‘it’s okay’ ‘it’s going to be okay’ and ‘let it out’.

When I was younger and cried every time someone would say some shit like ‘it’s okay stop crying everything is alright’ no, fuck you. You need to let it go, you need to release whatever you’re feeling, you can’t just shove it back down and pretend that it’s all better then. Maybe even if everything isn’t better after crying, at least you got it out. 

Everything was building up for him, I don’t know for how long and what those things were and I don’t know if he has even had someone there for him. Like I think the last time he would have released and cried like this was alone or maybe even on my face.

We were both alike in the way where we didn’t have anyone to go to, to comfort or to be comforted by. I am so happy and glad that we have eachother. 

I didn’t ask him what made him so upset. I didn’t want to pry, if he wanted me to know or to talk about it. He would. That’s another thing I hate is when people ask you if you wanna talk about it or to let them know something. Like no, if I wanted you to know, you would.

So after I just talked about art, I talked about my childhood dog name spike, I talked about how I dared tommy to eat a worm in 6th grade and threw up all over Lisa Chapman, I talked about how I think im going to play baseball this last season and that’s when billy started to join in the conversation. He’s going to join baseball too, I can’t wait honestly. He didn’t really add or contribute to the conversation much but it was enough for me to know that he was there, that he was present and not lost in his head.

It reminded me of the night at the quarry, how much the helped me. I hope I helped him that much too.

I gave him back his jacket.

We stopped by my house so I could patch up his face and I dropped him off back at school so he could drive home.

I want to hug billy again.

Not like how I did today, I mean I would do that again if he needed me but I want to really hug him. Like the kind where we just I don’t know just hold eachother? Like that comfort and solid connection just, I want it. ~~I need it.~~ I want it so bad my heart hurts. 

I just want him to lay down with me, wherever, on my couch, in my bed or on a field. I just want to hold him, I want him to know how much I care, how much I appreciate him, I want him to know that i’m there. And I want him to do the same.

This might be getting out of hand, but it’s true. I can’t run from it. I have to stop running from things. I have to stop running from my own god dam thoughts. I’m scared, i’m still scared but I need to do this. I need to stop burying everything deep inside, I don’t want to just explode and feel like there’s nothing left for me. That’s the purpose of this, that’s what i’m realizing. This is for me so I can get shit out, so I don’t just have a mess of shit just piling up. An outlet.

I think I might be getting better? I’m not sure. I just know i’m better whenever i’m around Billy, and because of him too.

Even though it might just be swept under the rug or already forgiven, tomorrow i’m going to apologize to Jonathan and Nancy, for real this time.

Sincerely, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting better and Steve has found this hidden confidence,,, right?


	20. February 12, 1985

Dear Sixto,

Billy and I hung out today. At my house. Instead of studying or watching TV we talked and listened to music, in my room.

He layed on my bed, well like half? He had himself propped up with my pillows. 

I sat on the end criss crossed facing him. 

I played him Rodriguez, he didn’t know who he was. Well, no one does really. I explained to him that my dad works at some music company or label and his friend found Rodriguez in Detroit and they made two albums. They both tanked. My dad and his team are probably the only people who bought an album, it’s sad really but i’m kind of happy that I have this artist that no one knows about. Like it’s my own little treasure.

Then I Wonder started to play.

He closed his eyes. I’m glad he did because I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

 

_I wonder how many times you've been had_

_And I wonder how many plans have gone bad_

_I wonder how many times you had sex_

_I wonder do you know who'll be next_

_I wonder I wonder, wonder I do_

_I wonder about the love you can't find_

_And I wonder about the loneliness that's mine_

_I wonder how much going have you got_

_And I wonder about your friends that are not_

_I wonder I wonder, wonder I do_

_I wonder I wonder, wonder don’t you?_

 

My pillows smelled like him that night. I slept well.

Sincerely, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye shout out to my boy Sixto, im writing a paper about ‘finding sugar man’ and I honestly couldn’t resist making Steve play I Wonder thinking about Billy, well LOOKING at him. Angst free! But there sure is pining!
> 
> I suggest listening to I Wonder by Sixto Rodriguez:)


	21. February 13, 1985

Dear Nancy and Jonathan,

I’m going to apologize to you Friday. I’m going to go dinner.

Sincerely, Steve.


	22. February 14, 1985

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> v-day sucks.

Dear Valentine,

Where are you? I would like to see you. To be with you. My letter must have gotten lost on the way or maybe you got lost on your way here.

I don’t think i've felt this lonely in a long time.

Yes, i know, i have Billy but, thats, different? I wouldn’t like it to be different but i really can’t help it. I can’t change it. I don’t know if i’m thinking about it realistically or just being a pussy. Maybe both?

I have been getting more skittish around Billy, I mean i was there for him and comforted him but i’m just scared? I wonder when i will stop being scared. 

I think he has noticed too. I don’t know if he was drifting slowly away today because of last night or because he could feel what i was feeling, am i that much of an open book? I pray that i’m not.

But other people noticed too wait, maybe they didn’t? I mean i’m not the center of anyone else’s life.

Fuck. i really am alone aren't i?

What if Billy is being my friend is fake? Why would he fake it? This far? Wait. 

What if he is just keeping tabs on me so i won’t try to off myself again? What if that is all what this is? Did he want to play some sort a hero? Did it help him clear his conscious about what he did to me?

Now i feel like a fucking idiot. God im so fucking dumb aren't i? Am i really that naive to think anyone would genuinely want to me my friend? Let alone Billy fucking Hargrove? I’m sorry but i don’t really scream his type do i? Ha, in multiple ways huh?

I wish Chad still sold weed. I wish i didn’t punch him in the face. I wish that Billy would actually like me. I wish that Billy would like me _back_.

Nothing really goes my way huh? I’m being spoiled again but fuck it. Nothing really does. Give all of this to someone else, my house, my baseball gear, you know what? Fuck baseball. I’m not going to join the team, Billy can buddy back up with Tommy for all i care. But give it all away, i wish i could give my life to someone else who would actually take advantage of what i’m given, god i’m such a spoiled brat.

I even thought i was going to have a semi okay day today? I had hope. I had hope for Valentine's day but when i opened my locker throughout the day i have none, ZERO letters. No one was thinking about me. No one will. Would anyone actually notice if i gone? I feel like i would take a burden off of my parents back, doing them a favor. Who wants a son who burned out in fucking high school?

I really did have hope today and god knows why. I even left a letter in Billy’s locker during class. He won’t notice mine. He will probably throw it out like the rest of the ones he got. I’m not that special anyway, it’s not like my letter was some groundbreaking note or whatever. 

I used some of my dad’s fancy parchment and used my typewriter. All it said was:

_Dear Valentine,_

_Everytime you smile  
My stomach’s in a whirl  
My heart beats faster than a mile  
And i feel like i’m going to hurl_

_Your eyes sparkle like a star  
So hopeful, yet so far  
I want to be that close  
Will, I? Ever? Who the hell knows._

_Your violence, your bravado,  
It should throw me off track,  
But it’s just so hard to swallow  
When i can feel you staring at my back._

_Are the feelings mutual?  
Do you want the same?  
You might find me unusual,  
That would cause me great shame._

_Nevertheless, have this piece of me,  
I’ll be waiting,  
My sweet honey bee._

_Love, x_

I tired to see his reaction to it, if he read in the hall but i couldn’t find him after school.

I want to take it back. I don’t want him to read it. What if he can tell that it’s me? Well, if he does. I’ll be dead tomorrow. 

Sincerely, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed steve's cheesy poem, and oop! angst is back ooh noo


	23. February 15, 1985

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h = Hopper  
> n = Nancy  
> j = Jonathan

Dear my broken alarm clock,

I didn’t bother going to school today. If billy does know that my letter was from me, i’ll have to deal with that on monday but for today i have to prepare on how i am going to apologize to Nancy and Jonathan. 

-

Is it bad to want more? Like I have literally everything I could need, a house food clothes money whatever but like what if I wish for more in a different way? Like I don’t want more money or toys or someshit but what if I just want to be happy? I’ve been thinking that me being sad was selfish and spoiled because I have it all but what if that’s not connected at all? Well it still feels connected but like the more I think about it the more I kinda get it? Like how I want to have a better day? How I wish at 11:11 just to have a good day or to not have a nightmare tonight or maybe sometimes about billy? Well mostly the others because anything more than friendship with billy just seems so unrealistic. What if asking to be happy or even just being okay for one goddamn day is as unrealistic as billy liking me back? 

I’m just at this point in my life where I should probably be dreaming of my future and working on my talents or hobbies or at least figure out what I want to major in but i’m just taking life day by day. The days kind of blur together but i’m just trying to make it. What if I want more than just surviving? I want to enjoy my time, enjoy my days? I want to live my life. Maybe I won’t know what I want to do but what if I could just be happy? And I can’t even do that, even if I was happy I would just find a way to ruin it by just thinking. Why is it so hard? Am I trying hard enough? I don’t feel like im trying? I just feel so weak? Like i’m just sitting here watching my myself get worse and what am I doing to actually make it better? I haven’t gotten out of bed since I used the bathroom at 9, it’s 3. School should be out by now. I wonder how it was like. I wonder how many people noticed I was not there? Did billy notice? Well I mean I guess of course but it just doesn’t feel like he could actually like me ya know? Despite hanging out everyday in my car what if it’s easy for him to just shift and hang out with tommy or someone? 

It probably is. I’m not that significant in his life or mind as much as he is to me. 

This feels just like last time.

I should probably get ready to apologize to Nancy and Jonathan.

-

It went good. The apology part. I was planning on doing it after dinner but i’m glad I ran into them on the way inside. But they didn’t care? Like they acted like I was somehow in the right? Or at least they got over it quickly or understood? I’m glad they did so I didn’t have to talk and explain any of it, I don’t wanna pull something like that again.

The dinner went okay. It was nice to have people around me? But after it hopper mentioned the fight. It wasn’t like everyone was talking about it ya know? All the kids scrambled to clean up and hopper started talking so it was just me nancy and Jonathan. He started talking about it very vaguely like as if he wanted me to fill in the details and then he went on about how what billy and I did could be considered a hate crime and that’s when I jumped in. I defended billy more than myself I just I didn’t want to expose anything about me necessarily but I was just so defensive god i’m a fucking idiot. I didn’t want to say anything about how I exactly couldn’t but I guess I could even if I was gay? Commit a hate crime I mean, but whatever I said was not fucking smooth.

“I can’t commit a hate crime.”

“Why not?” - h

“Well because,” (I paused I fucking paused like a god dammit idiot)

“Because you’re..?” - n

My eyes shot up at her but I couldn’t say anything, I want to say no immediately but my heart felt like it was sinking with my lungs.

“No, no it’s just those are rumors, chad being gay. It’s not like they are true or anything. I didn’t punch him because of that.”

“Right” - h 

I felt like I was being intervened or something and they didn’t believe me, maybe this is what would have happened at school today, I don’t understand why it didn’t happen yesterday but maybe it’s because we didn’t stay so they didn’t have proof? Maybe chad brushed it off as not a big deal because he didn’t want to get into why the fight start or how? I mean I couldn’t blame him, I probably would have done the same thing. Maybe hopper was already there and noticed this but still wanted to investigate it, yeah okay that makes more sense now.

“He didn’t start it.”

“Who?” - h 

“Billy didn’t start the fight. Chad threw the first punch.”

“But he provoked him.” - h

I just looked up at him like he was crazy, but I just forgot.

“Billy called him a faggot” - h

And I didn’t expect that, I wasn’t ready for hopper just to say it, I looked away and I felt like I was going to be sick. I sat back and just stared at my plate, the silence felt awful.

“So what was I supposed to do? Just let chad beat the shit out of billy? Was I not supposed to break up the fight?”

“And then you threatened him” - h

“What? I didn’t-“ 

And then he pulled out a piece of paper with chads story of what happened and hopper pointed down near the end where it said  
“If you touch or even talk to me or billy again you’re dead.” And I guess that’s what I forgot.

It took me a moment to process that in the moment and I also started reading the story of chads POV, I didn’t get far before hopper took it back.

I was silent. No one talked. I just stared at my plate.

“Look, Chad isn’t looking to press charges. He wants to just sweep it under the rug and call it a day but i don't. I want to know what happened and i want to know it won’t happen again” - h

“Why do you care?” I snapped but still didn’t look at him.

He sounded so serious “Because i don’t want to get called down there and try to rally up a bunch of punk ass teenagers” - h

“Whatever”

“This isn’t a whatever Steve. Next time anything like this happens i’ll write you both up.” - h

“But Billy didn’t do anything” I was raising my voice, fuck i shouldn’t have gotten upset. I was trying to hard to not get upset.

“He provoked him Steve” - n

“Chad provoked him first” 

“What?” - h

I looked at him like he was crazy, of course chad left that part out.

“When chad came over to our table”

“What did he say?”

At this point i realized i fucked up. I mean i don’t want to tell the chief of fucking police about billy’s dad when i don’t know anything for sure but also i feel like i betrayed billy. I mean im getting into shit that's not my business. But what if i could help him? I want to help him, i just i dont want him to push me away. I don’t want to fuck everything up.

“Well, uuh, when he walked up to the table he asked everyone if they knew where Billy got his bruises.”

“Billy had bruises before the fight?” - h

“Yeah, and like december when the chad rumor came out, i thought it was just Chad.”

“Chad and Billy have gotten into a fight before?” - h

“No, well. I mean i don’t know, i don't think so.” 

“So they knew each other before this? It wasn’t targeted?” - h

“Yeah, i mean if anyone targeted him it was Tommy, he was the one that tripped Chad to the ground.”

“Wait, so how close were billy and chad before this?” - h

“What happened after Chad asked you about Billy’s bruises?” - n

(they both asked at the same time)

“Oh, yeah i mean Chad and Billy were friends. They were close, like really close. I didn’t really know that until i started hanging out with Billy. Uhh and Chad was just asking billy to make tommy apologize as if billy could make him and billy said “why would i” and chad said “you know why” as if billy owed him something. And then chad started asking us like if we knew the details behind billy getting jumped and billy told him to stop and to leave and then chad said “Whatever, say hi for your dad for me” and then uhh, that's when um, that's when billy called chad a” i gestured the air so i didn’t have to say it, i didn’t want to say it.

“So Billy’s father gave him those bruises.” - h

“Uh, i think so, i don't know. I didn’t ask”

“Where did you two go after the fight?” - n

“I didn’t want to be there and i doubt billy wanted to either so i drove off to the old junkyard and uh we uh..”

“What did you do?” - J ( i think this was the first time he joined in )

“We just sat there and uh.. We didn’t say much but he uh, he just.. Cried. I didn’t ask why or whatever i just let him and then i patched him up and took him back to school so he could get his car.”

“He cried?” - n

“Yeah, I mean him and chad were really close before.. before all of this”

“How close?” - j

“Uhh I don’t know? I never asked.”

Hopper looked like he was thinking really hard? I honestly have no idea what he is thinking so hard about, it’s all pretty simple. Well, I guess in my POV. Whatever.

That was it. Hopper told me thanks and that I need to apologize to chad, I tried to protest but he was pretty clear on that. I don’t want to. I wonder if he will ever know if I did or not. Fuck that i’m not apologizing. Chad said he wanted it under the rug? We’ll keep it that way.

I liked writing this well I mean I didn’t like this interaction but, im glad I wrote it while it was still fresh in my mind. I can go back and see what happened ya know? I think I missed somethings, maybe if I remember I’ll update it? I don’t think I missed anything important but the important thing is is that billy and I are off the hook. Well, as long as chad keeps the fuck away from us.

I really hope nancy and Jonathan didn’t think much about my slip up. No I didn’t slip up I just was thinking about how to answer the question. If they imply or ask anything I’ll deny it. What else am I supposed to do? Ruin the only social interaction I have besides billy by coming out? And for what? It’s not like this was about me, there’s no need to put the spotlight on me.

I don’t feel like hopper likes me anymore, I don’t think he even liked me before. I don’t know why but that really affects me for some reason.

I want to ask billy about chad Monday, if billy doesn’t think that letter is from me and kill me, that is.

I’m fucking exhausted.

Sincerely, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English isn’t steves best subject but he has some shit to say anyway  
> -  
> Comment what you guys think went down between chad and billy;)


	24. February 18, 1985

Dear the broken chair I sat in during lunch,

I didn’t see Chad today, or Billy. Not seeing him means that i have more time avoiding if he will ask me about the letter. I spent a lot of the day just worried about that, i hardly focused in class. There’s nothing in the letter to exactly show or tell that it’s me exactly but what if i slip up? I don’t know what i could slip up on and that’s the part that has just been on my mind all day. 

I sat in the cafeteria again but not with tommy and all those assholes. Billy would be the only reason if i were to again. I sat with Jonathan and Nancy. I’m still kinda confused about it myself? I mean it wasn’t bad? But like it was better? I don't know, i think im just giving them the benefit of the doubt. I said i didn’t want to be their friend again but, now? I don't know. 

I feel like if i became friends with Nancy and Jonathan then they will expect things from me, like more time? More answers? I don’t really want to talk to them about billy and i don’t really want them to see me interact with him like at all. I feel like i would always be under a gaze, an observing gaze. I don’t feel that important for someone to constantly be thinking of me or what im do or say mean exactly but that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t be careful. Any slip up and im dead.

I’m not scared of school anymore, like of people and shit. Like people completely stayed clear of me after that fight with Chad. I guess that fight was a good thing after all? It got everyone off of my fucking back and i proved i didn’t want anything to do with Chad. I’m still really confused about that whole thing, like everyone bullying me? That’s actually kind of crazy? Like i never been bullied before and then it was like a big wave? No one really had a reason to do it, they just did and it stopped as soon as it started. I think tommy tried to stir it up as much as he could as like some sort of revenge for last year? Wait, a year and a half ago? That's forever ago, i’m over it but maybe he isn’t. It's the only thing i can think of.

Nancy and Jonathan didn’t talk about friday or chad or billy. I was so glad. All that shit was already on my mind enough. 

Even though i’m pretty scared of what billy and my interaction will be like, i miss him. I haven't talked to him in like 5 days? 4? Whatever. Nancy and Jonathan were nice company today but i would have liked it to be Billy instead. 

What if i will never get that again? Billy and me just hanging out in my car talking about random shit or listening to music? It was nice. It was comfortable ya know? And i had to go and fuck it up by over thinking and feeling. He definitely knows something is up, i’m always nervous and almost like a cat around him recently. I want it to go back being comfortable. Now with this letter thing i’m not exactly sure. I mean he doesn’t have any proof right? No he doesn't. I’m fine. I need to stop acting scared.

I’m also going to scratch off the idea i had of bringing up Chad to him next time i see him, i’m going to wait a minute. Maybe a week after everything blows down? Maybe when we hang out again? I mean, if we hang out again. Fuck if i really fucked up Billy and my relationship it’s going to get worse i know it. I need to stop being so destructive. I really need to get my shit together but i don't exactly know where to start? 

Sincerely, Steve.


	25. February 19, 1985

Dear the pencil that i stabbed in my wrist,

Billy came back today and acted normal. He was very outgoing and i was just so lost? I thought there was a tension? Did he not feel it? Maybe he felt it but he tried to just get through it by ignoring it. I liked that. What i didn’t like what me being surprised by Billy wearing his jacket in art today. The jacket. 

I mean it’s his fucking jacket for fucks sake he can wear it but i couldn’t help but to just stare at it. I don’t know how long i was staring or spaced out or whatever but when i came back to billy snapping in my face, he wasn’t wearing the jacket anymore. I jumped and i dropped my pencil and i tried to grab it but the tip lodged into my wrist, right below my palm. I dont know, it didn’t really hurt i was just kinda embarrassed? I quickly took it out and but i was just bleeding, i had to leave class to go to the nurses office because Mrs. Brown didn’t have a med kid. Seriously though what kind of fucking teacher doesn’t have a goddamn med kit in the class? What if it was worse? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. i missed most of the period, most of the time with billy i was actually looking towards. 

God. I just feel so? Im upset to put it easy. I’m sad and mad? Like i think i’m mad at myself? But i dont know exactly why. Maybe i’m mad at myself for still feeling sad after being with Billy. 

Maybe i’m upset because i saw the jacket. God that’s so fucking embarrassing. Fuck. We haven’t talked about that night still and it was like 2 months ago. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s in the past whatever, i’m over it now. It was a mistake and i just, it was stupid okay? What more does he want me to say other than that? If he brings it up what does he want me to fucking say? That i’m better? I’m not. That i havent thought about doing it again? I have. That i wont try again? I probably will. 

That’s actually kind of scary once i think about it. 

I mean, i don’t want to do it again. Not now at least. Is it odd that i want to stay because of billy? Like we haven't been that close for that long but like. He’s the only thing in my life right now. Only thing that i would and want to fight for, only thing that makes me happy, only thing that makes it easier to get up in the morning because that means i get to see him. I get to talk to him, he gets to talk to me. I just love making him laugh and i love how he makes me happy. 

I don’t want to depend my happiness onto him. I remember O saying something about trying to not attach onto something or someone with everything you got, but i think it might be too late? What if i already have? My happiest moments are with him, because of him. My only happy moments. 

Sure nancy and Jonathan made me laugh the other day but they didn’t make me happy. Does that make sense? Those positive interactions didn’t linger throughout the day, only billy can do that.

Sincerely, Steve.


	26. February 21, 1985

Dear Mr.Fuckahoots,

I failed my chem test. Fuck that shit honestly, I thought i was going to do way better than that holy shit. I mean maybe at least pass? I actually studied for it, maybe i studied for the wrong fucking section. Fuck that. I can fail one term right? Fuck that. I have like 3 months left. 

I HAVE 3 MONTHS LEFT OF THIS SHIT.

I guess for now though, i feel like my parents will force me to go to college in some shape or form. Fuck that. I don’t want to go to college, what the fuck is the point? I don’t know what im going to major in and if it’s not something like fucking business or management bullshit like my dad wants i might as well not be going to not be their son in their eyes. As if they even knew their son in the first place. What if they don’t get back until summer? What if i just pack everything up and just leave? Like just go? I might go to New York? That would be sick, Chicago? What about california? Billy always talks about cali, he misses it.

What if i could go to cali with billy? Would he want to go on a trip like that with me? What if we moved out their together? Just the two of us in a house or an apartment? Billy is smart as hell so he would be going to school, and maybe i could work at some fucking book shop? Coffee shop? I don’t really want to work with food and book stores or libraries are nice, they are quiet. I could get a job this summer at the library, I mean if i would want to stay the summer.

Okay so i have a somewhat plan now? In the works of one? I don’t think i’ve been this excited over an idea or plan since billy said he wanted to play baseball as well. Oh yeah, i’m going to play baseball again, i was being dramatic saying i won’t. It will be fun, i’m actually looking forward for it? Like the rumors and bullying bullshit is done and will be forgotten by the time the season starts and i’ll get to hang out with billy even more. But now i think i might be getting my hopes up for something that wont even happen. A lot of the things i day dream about wont even happen to i guess im used to it? I should probably stop thinking about fucking running away and moving in with billy. 

God i’m pathetic. This is going to ruin me, Billy, is going to ruin me.

I don’t think i have felt this strongly towards someone in, maybe ever? I mean every girl that ive had a crush on i have always gotten, and quickly too and me sitting here being able to do absolutely NOTHING is honest to god killing me. I mean how do i know those crushes on those girls weren’t true? weren’t … real? Like maybe i am finally experiencing my first real crush. I mean i like Billy right? How could i like those girls too? How do i know i liked nancy?   
I really can’t tell now because i didn’t write those feelings down, i can’t remember it either. I mean i remember her breaking my fucking heart but was that legit love? No, i don’t love billy. I can’t love billy. Theres no way in hell i love billy. Not romantically. I love him yes but i dont LOVE love him. God i really need to get over this crush and fucking quick. I can’t fall in love with fucking billy hargrove and him not to love me back. He would laugh in my fucking face before beating it, again. 

God im such an idiot. 

I’m so confused. I thought i was straight? I was, was?? I can i change sexualities? Is that even possible? I thought i liked nancy, i loved her. Did it really? Did i genuinely love her or was i pretending, too? But does that make me, gay? I dont want to be fucking gay. I mean whatever cool that someone else is and whatever but me? I don’t want to. I fucking can’t be. Why me? Why is everything all of a sudden so god dam hard for me? First Nancy breaks up with me and im literally all alone because i dumped my fucking friends for her and then the upside down came back and i somehow fucking landed in nightmare zone for the past 3 months while being fucking depressed, thats what O said before i left but i don’t want to be fucking depressed. I don’t want to be fucking gay. 

Everything is just so goddamn hard. Even school. Is it even worth it at this point? 

I need to pick up a different fucking hobby. 

Sincerely, steve.


	27. February 23, 1985

Dear shitty weather,

It’s raining. It feels nice. It’s saturday and i don't want to go anywhere, i don't have to. It’s such a nice feeling. I just kinda wish Billy was here. My heart fucking hurts each time i think of him now. The past week was good. He didn’t bring up the jacket situation but he hasn't worn it since. God i love him. No, not like love love but just he’s great, he’s honestly like the best.   
Besides him being a douche i guess? He hasn’t been a douche to me since november, he’s actually like really sweet? He's a douche to other people but to me He's warm, supportive and just nice? Like he doesn’t make me feel like i could be judged, well, about almost everything, but not everything. I’m still pretty sure he’s homophobic. He’s been kinda running though? Like from the whole chad thing and shit the other week? Like we haven’t actually talked about anything and it’s kinda starting to get on my nerves a little bit? I mean i know how it feels to not want to talk about something so i understand how he feels but i just think it might be time for us to talk. I’ll start with me, i really don’t want to but it honestly probably will be for the better. Running away from shit is how i ruined it with Nancy, i don’t want to ruin this relationship too. I want him to feel safe and tell me and confide in me, that kinda feels fake considering how i wouldnt tell him i’m gay (i don't know if i am?) or even have a crush on him but for everything else im an open book and i want him to feel the same. I really don’t want to feel like i'm prying and i don't want him to feel that way either, i don’t want him to blow up and get mad at me, i don't want to fight, i just. I want to help. I want us to understand each other better, i think it will bond us even more. That might be a little selfish. 

I want to tell him about the upside down. I can trust him. He should know shouldn't he? Like if i were to tell him about me and my nightmares and all that bullshit i would have to tell him the source and root of it all right? If i didn’t i would still feel like i'm running, at that's the exact purpose of why i want to talk. To stop running. I’m still going to run about my feelings, at that's for obvious reasons.

Ok I’ll try to talk to Billy Monday? I’ll ask him if he can hang out again? I don’t want to make him feel trapped but my house is empty and he could leave if he wants. I don’t wanna push but I just don’t want to sit here you know? I feel like this worry and curiosity is going to eat me alive. It’s all im thinking about.

Sincerely, Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve had a couple of chapters sitting around I should have published, sorry for the wait haha


	28. February 26, 1985

Dear my shoelace that made me trip on my ass in the hall,

Billy and I hung out last night. We didn’t talk. He came over yeah but we ended up going out and about. He could tell that i was stressed out about something, he assumed it was finals and told me to just relax and that i got it. It didn’t make me feel better initially but as the night went on i actually had a really good time. Billy is so fucking funny i might throw up if he even rolls his eyes. He suggested we go to the arcade which was a surprise? I didn’t really peg him for a guy who would be caught dead anywhere near that place but i guess Billy keeps on being full of surprises. We played pac man, dig dug which we was really good at and was trying to beat max’s score. He did, he said it wouldn't be for long and said that Max had a highscore of 1 million back in cali, he said back home. We mostly played air hockey which was a blast, i completely forgot why i even asked him to hang out. It was nice.

I was so fucking nice.

We weren’t studying, we weren’t cooped up and we weren’t talking about serious shit. I just felt i don't know, free? Like i let loose and finally had some fun. It was probably the best night i've had in months. 

After the arcade we went and ate at Benny’s old diner, it was kind of out of the way but billy insisted, there was hardly anyone there so that was actually really nice. We both ordered cheese burgers and a shake. I had vanilla and he had strawberry.

I told him about what happened to Benny on the way back to the town. I told him that someone staged his suicide but i left out the fact that it was the fucking government. He asked who did it and i said we didn’t find them. He asked me how we knew, he used his right hand to write his note, he was left handed.

It was silent until he parked in front the of the Hawk, he asked if i wanted to go watch The Breakfast Club, he said it was really good. It was. I liked it, i couldn’t really pay attention because the whole time i was just thinking about how this is a date. Correction, how it could be a date.

It would have been a date if i were a girl, or if he was a girl. 

The thought probably didn’t even cross his mind. I try not to be upset over that fact and try to enjoy that i could actually do it and spend time with him like that but it’s kind of hard.

I had fun yeah sure but now i'm just kind of upset at myself? I didn’t actively try to talk to him today but i guess that's okay. I will friday, if it does blow up then we are given a couple of days for it to calm down or blow over. I want to give him the space that he needs but i don’t want to push him away. I don’t want him to push me away.

Yeah that sounds better, i'm not running or hiding, i'm just waiting for the right moment. And the right moment is Friday night at midnight after 6 shots of hard liquor. 

Sincerely, Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk it sounds like he’s running to me 👀


	29. February 27, 1985

Dear Billy,

I passed my art final. Honestly all thanks to Billy. It was the only class i got a good grade in, and i’m actually proud of that. I get to be proud of something, i can’t show my parents because they’re not here but Billy was really happy and excited about it and that made it even better. He seemed really happy today, and it was like i absorbed that energy too because i honestly feel great right now. We talked about more of the plans about baseball because the tryouts are coming up in 2 weeks and we are planning on practicing before, i mean even though we both will definitely make varsity, i think both of us are excited to just start playing. It’s nice to have someone like that. I’m so lucky to have Billy in my life. I mean i don’t know for how much longer i will but i’m just happy he is for now. I want to enjoy these moments and these memories with him. I can’t wait to make more. God, he’s got me smiling just thinking about him. I’m trying to crush my hopes about him ever liking me back but i just can’t help diving into that fantasy, wouldn’t that be awesome? It just seems so dreamy and unrealistic that i just wow i honestly don’t know what to say? Other than wow. 

I wonder how his hands feel, in mine, on my face, behind my neck. I wonder how his lips would feel, on my own, on my neck, on my chest. Are they as soft as they look? God those fucking lips. Don’t even get me started on his fucking eyes holy fuck, his eyelashes? Jesus christ, he’s like a legit fucking model? I mean i thought i was attractive for this small ass town but jesus christ Billy came here and WIPED me away for competition. There’s no competition, i don’t want to put one up, it’s good to seem him on top. Maybe in more ways than one. 

He wrapped his arm around me when i showed him my grade for art. He kept it there while we walked out of the school, i couldn’t focus. God i want to be that close again. I want him to touch me again, it’s addictive. I’ve been stealing little touches. Like our fingers brush when i pass him pencils or i keep my thigh pressed lightly against his during lunch, oh yeah we’ve been eating lunch together inside recently, thankfully not with those fucking jock assholes, just some kids from art. They don’t seem to be like Jonathan level of art, (his level is borderline creepy type) they actually seem cool, they don’t seem like pansies. I want to see if we can eat lunch out in my car tomorrow, i miss that.

Sincerely, Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no, stevie is getting in pretty deep now


	30. March 1, 1985

Dear Billy,

I’m happy I’m alive. 

I’m happy you saved me that night.

Thank you.

Sincerely, Steve.


	31. March 4, 1985

Dear the ceiling light in the nurse's office,

I thought it was over? Maybe I was just not aware of it anymore but tommy pushed more like shoved me into a locker. By my head. I turned and made it face first into the locker and it fucked up my nose, I started to bleed fucking everywhere. It hurt like a fucking bitch but I mean i’m glad it was my nose and not my skull or someshit. I couldn’t have gotten a concussion something. 

I was alone so I guess I looked like an easy target and an easy target to call a “faggot” while I was trying to stop my nose from bleeding. Billy was there. He pinned tommy against a locker and threatened him, I don’t remember if he reasoned him fucking up my nose or him calling me that or both but it was great. Tommy looked so fucking scared and i’m pretty sure I fucking smiled while blood was coming out of my nose, I probably looked like a fucking maniac but we didn’t stay long bc billy was guiding me to the nurses office right after he punched Tommy in the jaw. It felt great. Well not my fucked up nose or him calling me a you know, but the part where billy came out of nowhere and put Tommy’s ass in line. 

Hopefully now it’s all over and no one will mess with me again now knowing billy has my back.

-

i forgot to say that i lied to hopper. last friday when we were at dinner i was hanging out outside for some fresh air and he came out to smoke. he asked me if billy and i apologized to chad yet. i said yes.

but i’m fucked. i’m genuinely fucked. hopper said he was going to check out what is up with billy and his father and before i could protest or even react he was gone. i left right after that without a goodbye. 

hopper is going to piss billy off and get into shit that billy thinks is none of his business. billy is going to kill me when he finds out it was me who let hopper know. i don’t want to betray billys trust. well. i didn’t. but i did. i feel fucking awful.

he’s going to fucking hate me.

Sincerely, Steve.


End file.
